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Well. It's been a year since I last had the desire to write anything here. It's been a rough one to say the least. And not just for me. For those around me too.

I know I have... like... zero reason to feel the way I do.
Another person in my shoes might be happy as a clam.
They might have joy in everything they do and so much more.
But this? Me?

I hate my life.
I hate me.

I just... I don't want to try any more.
I've lost the point, I've lost my desire to exist....

I think the only reason why I am still around is because of my desperate desire to see a honest smile on the face of someone I love dearly. A smile that... well. Is well past deserved for her. She has been through a lot of shit in recent years, and is still pushing forward in spite of it all. Life knocks her down, she flips the bird and just keeps going, in spite of a desire to forget it all.
She's gotten me through several dark nights, though some she didn't even realize were there. She has LITERALLY saved my life on more than one occasion.....
She's just... amazing and beautiful. Fabulous and brilliant. Haunted, but a beacon of light in the darkness for those around her.
Above all, she deserves to be happy, even if she herself does not see or even remotely believes that.
I know there's literally nothing I can do to help her, but.... I still wish... I still hope. I love her dearly and offer her whatever I can do.
She deserves joy and so, so much more.

I don't know. I feel like I'm starting all over again in this stupid journey of mine.
Possibly pointless journey.

When I first met him, my new therapist recommended I start writing again. Recording my thoughts and my feelings.
Well... two and a half months later, here I am. Hoping something will come out of it.

Wish me luck.
And pray, pray for my dearest friend.