Some Pick-Me-Ups

Okay. I was in need of something to build a ledge in my cavernous hole so that I could hope to pull myself up onto it and breathe for just a little while. Music and songs seem to be a great help to me, when I can make myself focus on them, so, though I am still feeling like garbage, I wanted to try and pick up not only myself, but list a couple songs that will usually help remind me that, yes, things are bad, but it is still possible to overcome. Somehow.

This is a post I have written before in a different blog, yes, so some of the songs are repeats. Just so you know.

So let's start with a song that is almost always guaranteed to bring a smile to my face:

Mysterious Ticking Noise

Potter Puppet Pals

Yep. Not kidding. Though this song is almost a decade old (geesh, has it really been that long?), it still makes me laugh. Especially that Dumbledore moment. Definitely a great work of art.

Hold On

Wilson Phillips

I was only 4 when this song came out, but I remembered it from then. It would come on the radio, and though I didn't really know or understand it, I would sing along with it. The song, like they all do, fell off the face of the planet for a while, eventually coming on to the local soft rock station that, after my stint with the two warring country music stations, I listened to more often than not. this time, however, when it came on, I listened to the words, and understood a whole lot more. What a great message it has. Hold on in spite of everything that is stacked against you. One day, it will change, but you have to just hold on until that time comes.

Stand

Rascal Flatts

This is one of my absolute favorite songs out there. This song describes exactly how it feels. The world is overwhelming and terrible, but there is still something good that can come of it. After all, 'life's like a novel with the end ripped out'. We can write our own pages, our own destinies. We just have to keep standing back up.

I'll Be Okay

McFly

Another song that is surprisingly almost a decade old, scarily enough. Still, it carries the perfect sentiment. When the days are going just as bad as they possibly can, just get through the day, and don't to tell yourself that you'll be alright. Thing's really will be okay. Eventually.

1985

Bowling for Soup

Okay, I know. Strange song choice, but its really not the song as much as the AMV that went with it. It's an incredible AMV that just goes so well with the music, for this one in particular. I rather enjoy watching these though, with all my favorite series, simply because some of them are absolutely wonderful.

Shadows

Lindsey Stirling

I just adore her music. It's always a nice thing to come to. <3

All I Wanted

Dear friend - if you read this - please know I am not angry or upset with you. I was upset by the situation, outlined below, but I needed to get the story out of me to get to the root of how I was feeling. I love you friend, and this doesn't change that. 

All I wanted was for you to spend time with me. Was that so much to ask? Our distance, being 2000 miles or so apart makes it hard to get together in person, yes, I recognize and readily accept that, but with the blessing of the modern communication via the phone or internet, that distance doesn't really matter all too much. Scheduling conflicts make it difficult, yes, but not impossible. It just takes some finagling to make the time.

It seems, as of late, the only time we're spending time together is when we're in the middle of an argument. Otherwise, I barely hear from you, because, as you put it, texting is not like IMing in that it isn't instant. It will be there for you when you get around to it. If you get around to it. It seems the only time I can hold your attention for longer than three minutes is when you get upset with me. Not always, I'll admit, but there is a staggering imbalance there. 

Last Saturday, when you mentioned in passing your schedule this week, I took the chance and asked, if you weren't too busy, if you wanted to do something together on your day off in the middle of the week this week. For once, you didn't give me a 'maybe', which by experience means that 99.5% of the time it wasn't likely to happen. You actually gave me an 'yeah', which is something I rarely hear from you when I'm asking you for something like this. 

I can't tell you how excited I was, how much my hopes were raised and my outlook was brightened. I had something happening in the very near future to look forward to with my dear friend. 

Wednesday came along, and I was still excited. You hadn't been feeling well in days prior, both physically and emotionally, but when asked, you said you were feeling better. That wasn't going to get in our way. Huzzah! I was certain you would have things you would need to do in the morning, but there would be at least a couple hours in the afternoon where we could play an online game, post in our online roleplay a few times, or even just curl up and watch a movie together while on the phone. I just spend some time together; I didn't really care how. I reminded you in passing what we had planned, scared to bring it up entirely, but you seemed to have remembered, promising to do it later because first you had to adult. I was okay with that, as I had things to do myself. 

I sent you a note at 3:30 my time, asking if you were done, and was met an hour later with a 'not quite' which, at least to me, means you were almost done, just needed some more time. Maybe another hour or so, and then we can play. I accepted that, and asked you to let me know. But at 7, I still hadn't heard anything, and tried again, knowing full well that the later it got, the less likely you would be to play with me as you would either want to spend the night on the phone with your boyfriend as you typically do, or pass out and sleep. Something. 45 minutes passed and you hadn't responded, my excitement and anticipation was turning to sour dread knotted there in my stomach. I finally put it out there bluntly: 'this isn't going to happen tonight, is it'. Surprisingly, you came back a couple minutes later, saying it was going to, but you were watching an episode of your show first while eating. The dread dissolved a little, and the smile returned. Okay. We were still on. 

But when you came back 20 minutes later and asked what I wanted to do, I gave you my first choice, which you almost immediately turned down because you were no longer sober (though, I'm still not sure I see the problem with that...). Pangs started through me again. You knew I had been waiting for you. You knew what would have likely been my first choice. But you were ready with an 'I can't'. 

Please don't let that mean what I thought it would mean. 

I gave you an out. Told you we could reschedule for another time. Another day off. Otherwise, I left it up to you to decide, because I didn't know what we could do, what you wanted to do. You suggested a game, followed it up with a maybe, to which I responded with a 'pick'. You asked me if I wanted to play yes or no, and I pointed out that you were the one that said maybe. I was game, and went to go log into the servers, and waited. 

And waited. 

Almost 30 minutes later, you came back with another excuse. Your internet wasn't working. It apparently, though you had said nothing about this before (though would you have? we had barely talked before, so I can't be sure), had been happening on and off for a while, ever since some bad storms had rolled through. You would need to call your internet company and have them come out and take a look at it. 

Our get together was canceled, and within five minutes you had vanished.

I'm frustrated, yes, but I'm not even mad at you. I might have been for about 30 seconds, but mostly I was disappointed because of how much I had been looking forward to that time with you. I can't tell you how much this hurt me. A part of it is your fault, yes, for canceling on me yet again, but I can recognize, however reluctantly, that things happen. The heavens must curse our prearranged times together because it seems something will almost always get in the way of them. That's just life. That's just how it works, sad and annoying as that may be. 

A larger part of the fault for the hurt is mine, and I fully well know it. Given the history of life picking on us, I shouldn't have allowed my hopes to get so high that when they were crushed, I came streaking back, speeding because of the distance, and left a sizeable crater in my heart. 

But worse, I started wondering what it was about me that was so repulsive. Why didn't you want to spend time with me? What was it about me that makes seemingly no one want to spend more time on me than the precursory, if that? People at my church, when I attended meetings with other young, single adults my age, wouldn't give me more than the 'hi, I'm fine' when I tried to strike up a conversation and make friends before turning away and ignoring me. Though I've since moved and started attending different meetings, I still struggle to find someone to connect to that seems to not mind my company. I don't really hang out with people I work with that I consider friends outside of work, though I am hoping that this will change this coming year. I meet up with my best friend from high school as often as we can, which has been steadily increasing as of late, thank goodness, but beyond that.... Seriously, what is it about me that people find repulsive? 

I kept asking myself that all night. I cried myself to sleep. I asked myself that same thing again this morning. No more tears left in me for this. I was numb, but I'm starting to feel it again as I finish writing this up. 

I know I need to expand my circle. I need to find people who understand what I am dealing with, what I am going through, who will stand by me. I am trying to do that, but I struggle with even how to do that. I'm looking for support groups. I'm looking for people around me that wouldn't mind my inevitable funks (that are a lot easier to hide in person, I'll admit). It's just taking more time as I battle not only the depression that plagues my life, but the crippling shyness and social awkwardness that comes with who I am. 

And I'm struggling to convince myself that the repulsiveness... the thing about me that makes people run for the hills... is all in my head.... 

That's a rough one to overcome.... 

Heart-Racing "Fun"

I haven't written in more than a week in spite of my self assertions that I was going to make myself write more often, with a minimum of twice or so times a week. That way, if I so desire, I can look back over these in a years time or so and see how far I've come already and move myself forward. Or, at least, that's the plan. Who knows? Maybe while I'm at this, someone will stumble upon this blog and find it useful in their own trek (If that's the case, please leave a comment? I would love to know that putting myself out there like this might actually help someone out).

Anyways, it's been a bit of a crazy week, full of ups and downs, though the focus had been on the later as I worked my way through the week. I will **hopefully** do better.

No promises there.

After that ridiculously hard day where I was insanely close to loosing it, the trip to St Louis turned around to an extent. We still had problems with behavior on occasion, including a rather tearful meltdown the morning before we were checking out of our hotel to head back to Oklahoma because she wanted to stay longer than I had the funds for, but we got through it. I managed, surprisingly, to actually have some fun during the day, though the evenings and nights were still beyond hard, and was overall pleased with the upswing in both my emotions and the trip.

Of course, that had to change, as things do.

Have you ever been driving down the highway, going around 80 mph, and literally have your tire blow up on you? I wish I could join in the masses declaring "No! It's never happened to us. What you talking about? Are you insane?" but alas, I would be lying. Maybe blow up isn't the exact description for what happened, but that's pretty much what happened when we were approximately an hour away from my niece's home, where I intended on crashing that night before driving the rest of the way back home since my other plans more or less fell through.

She was sitting in the backseat, playing a game (not sure which one, I didn't recognize the music for it) on her phone, while I was singing along to the radio we had just managed about 10 minutes before to pick up again when it happened. I don't know what caused it for sure, but all of a sudden there was an extremely loud BANG, like something under my car just blew up, my car jerking harshly from the sudden burst of momentum that had come from under us. It was a miracle that I managed to keep any control at all, given that I was going 77 mph when it happened. Luckily, there wasn't anyone immediately around us either, so I could react in kind, regain what surprisingly little control I lost in that moment and get us off the road onto the shoulder.

At this point, my heart is going about a million beats a second on its own, and I have no idea what even happened. I had seen, in my periphery, a rather large piece of tired sheer off, but I had never seen it sheer off in such a piece like that before. I got off the road, threw my car in park and hit the hazards, turning around to check on my niece, who looked just as confused as I was, thought not nearly as shaken up as I was. She was okay, I was okay, we were okay, but what had just happened? Did I not see a piece of tire on the road and it got tangled up around my wheel and that's what made the noise and forced the car to jerk? I didn't think so, but for a long moment there, I couldn't process what had happened.

After a long moment of self inventory, checking on my niece and trying to figure out what was happening while trying to steady my heart rate, which had spiked to probably a dangerous place, I got out of the car, and started looking to see what had happened. Front Driver's tire was okay, good. I walked around the front of the car first, baffled. Had I hit something? No. No dents in the bumper, no smoke, nothing coming from there, Front passenger tire was good, and both back ones were good too.

What the fuck had happened?

I had gotten back to my door, completely confused, about to get in and keep going on our merry way, never to have an answer as to what had just happened. Clueless. Something I hated being, but as I ran my eyes down the length of my car, I saw it. I had been so focused on my tires, trying to see which one was now flat (surely that had caused the jerk) that I didn't pay much attention to the back of my car. My driver's side rear bumper was pulled away from my car. Confused, I approached it, still trying to figure out what happened while trying to make my mind work, and then noticed the rest of the damage.

The tire, amazingly, was still inflated, but the outer layer, the treads that were supposed to be on my tire, were gone. How it still held air in it, I haven't the foggiest notion. The edges of the tire were rough, showing that the piece of tire I had seen in my periphery as it happened had actually torn away from my own tire, and hadn't been something I hit, but the rest was smooth, just the inner tube that you fill with air. The explosion of the tire had been forceful enough to push off part of my rear bumper, and (thought I didn't see it until later, focused on the tire and bumper now as I was) crack my tail light while streaking a part of the side of my with black rubber.

Shaking, but now knowing what had just happened, and what could have happened (I'll admit here and now I didn't much care what had happened to me, but what could have happened to the seven year old in the back seat), I got back in the car, now worried about what to do. I have a spare, but I didn't fancy driving 30 down the interstate in the middle of nowhere. She asked what happened, and I explained, briefly, that we needed to fix the tire, but didn't give her any of the details, pulling out my phone (thank the heavens for 3G) and found a place that sold tires about 2 and a half miles away. Problem solved.

They suggested I picked up a nail, or the tire was a retread from the place I bought tires before, or something. Since I had just had the front tires replaced with brand new tires in February, I asked them to change both of the back tires. Sadly, as this was a smaller, local shop, they only had one of the size tire my car takes. I took it, and they got started while we waited. The inside staff even entertained my niece for a few minutes while I called her parents to let them know what happened.

They got us back on the road again within about 30 minutes, but that was no where near enough time to stop the shaking that was coursing through me. I drove home going below the speed limit, afraid that it would happen again and that time we wouldn't be as lucky. We made it back to her house after about another hour and a half, give or take, and that still hadn't been enough time to fully calm down.

I was scared.

How on earth was I going to drive home the next day? It's an even longer drive from her house back to my apartment in south Texas than it was from St Louis to her house. And there were less towns further apart along several patches of road. What was I going to do with 3 new tires and one older one that I was convinced was going to do the same thing?

My brother and sister in law had offered me their couch for a couple days if I had wanted to stay, and I gladly took them up on the offer. They lived closer to a larger city, so my odds of finding a place that could sell me a decently priced new tire to get me home the rest of the way safely was better. Though it pretty much drained the rest of the reserved money I had set aside in case of emergencies (though this was not the one I had in mind), I had two new tires.

Let me just tell you now, I left the day after I got my tire changed, so I could be home late late on Saturday night, early Sunday morning. I was still feeling tense and scared the entire way home. Throw that on a top of a definitive drop in my mental state and can you even imagine how draining that was? I was okay by Sunday afternoon, not nearly as nervous or scared when I got back behind the wheel to drive out to join my parents for a barbecue in celebration of an early Independence day. In retrospect, I probably should have stayed another day in Oklahoma to shake off the feelings there, but I needed to get back.

All in all, it made it hard when my emotional state dipped again just after that. My energy, my focus was elsewhere, and I didn't know what else I could do to bring my mind into a better place. I was struggling, and couldn't seem to shake it no matter what methods I employed. Even the talking myself up wouldn't shake the drained-induced (or whatever) bout I found myself in.

But... well. It made for a rather dark day, a long day really, of sleeping and resting for the larger part of Independence Day. I did get up and try to go see fireworks though, which was actually a plus on my end, since I had no desire to do so.

Points for that at least?