Dear friend - if you read this - please know I am not angry or upset with you. I was upset by the situation, outlined below, but I needed to get the story out of me to get to the root of how I was feeling. I love you friend, and this doesn't change that.
It seems, as of late, the only time we're spending time together is when we're in the middle of an argument. Otherwise, I barely hear from you, because, as you put it, texting is not like IMing in that it isn't instant. It will be there for you when you get around to it. If you get around to it. It seems the only time I can hold your attention for longer than three minutes is when you get upset with me. Not always, I'll admit, but there is a staggering imbalance there.
Last Saturday, when you mentioned in passing your schedule this week, I took the chance and asked, if you weren't too busy, if you wanted to do something together on your day off in the middle of the week this week. For once, you didn't give me a 'maybe', which by experience means that 99.5% of the time it wasn't likely to happen. You actually gave me an 'yeah', which is something I rarely hear from you when I'm asking you for something like this.
I can't tell you how excited I was, how much my hopes were raised and my outlook was brightened. I had something happening in the very near future to look forward to with my dear friend.
Wednesday came along, and I was still excited. You hadn't been feeling well in days prior, both physically and emotionally, but when asked, you said you were feeling better. That wasn't going to get in our way. Huzzah! I was certain you would have things you would need to do in the morning, but there would be at least a couple hours in the afternoon where we could play an online game, post in our online roleplay a few times, or even just curl up and watch a movie together while on the phone. I just spend some time together; I didn't really care how. I reminded you in passing what we had planned, scared to bring it up entirely, but you seemed to have remembered, promising to do it later because first you had to adult. I was okay with that, as I had things to do myself.
I sent you a note at 3:30 my time, asking if you were done, and was met an hour later with a 'not quite' which, at least to me, means you were almost done, just needed some more time. Maybe another hour or so, and then we can play. I accepted that, and asked you to let me know. But at 7, I still hadn't heard anything, and tried again, knowing full well that the later it got, the less likely you would be to play with me as you would either want to spend the night on the phone with your boyfriend as you typically do, or pass out and sleep. Something. 45 minutes passed and you hadn't responded, my excitement and anticipation was turning to sour dread knotted there in my stomach. I finally put it out there bluntly: 'this isn't going to happen tonight, is it'. Surprisingly, you came back a couple minutes later, saying it was going to, but you were watching an episode of your show first while eating. The dread dissolved a little, and the smile returned. Okay. We were still on.
But when you came back 20 minutes later and asked what I wanted to do, I gave you my first choice, which you almost immediately turned down because you were no longer sober (though, I'm still not sure I see the problem with that...). Pangs started through me again. You knew I had been waiting for you. You knew what would have likely been my first choice. But you were ready with an 'I can't'.
Please don't let that mean what I thought it would mean.
I gave you an out. Told you we could reschedule for another time. Another day off. Otherwise, I left it up to you to decide, because I didn't know what we could do, what you wanted to do. You suggested a game, followed it up with a maybe, to which I responded with a 'pick'. You asked me if I wanted to play yes or no, and I pointed out that you were the one that said maybe. I was game, and went to go log into the servers, and waited.
And waited.
Almost 30 minutes later, you came back with another excuse. Your internet wasn't working. It apparently, though you had said nothing about this before (though would you have? we had barely talked before, so I can't be sure), had been happening on and off for a while, ever since some bad storms had rolled through. You would need to call your internet company and have them come out and take a look at it.
Our get together was canceled, and within five minutes you had vanished.
I'm frustrated, yes, but I'm not even mad at you. I might have been for about 30 seconds, but mostly I was disappointed because of how much I had been looking forward to that time with you. I can't tell you how much this hurt me. A part of it is your fault, yes, for canceling on me yet again, but I can recognize, however reluctantly, that things happen. The heavens must curse our prearranged times together because it seems something will almost always get in the way of them. That's just life. That's just how it works, sad and annoying as that may be.
A larger part of the fault for the hurt is mine, and I fully well know it. Given the history of life picking on us, I shouldn't have allowed my hopes to get so high that when they were crushed, I came streaking back, speeding because of the distance, and left a sizeable crater in my heart.
But worse, I started wondering what it was about me that was so repulsive. Why didn't you want to spend time with me? What was it about me that makes seemingly no one want to spend more time on me than the precursory, if that? People at my church, when I attended meetings with other young, single adults my age, wouldn't give me more than the 'hi, I'm fine' when I tried to strike up a conversation and make friends before turning away and ignoring me. Though I've since moved and started attending different meetings, I still struggle to find someone to connect to that seems to not mind my company. I don't really hang out with people I work with that I consider friends outside of work, though I am hoping that this will change this coming year. I meet up with my best friend from high school as often as we can, which has been steadily increasing as of late, thank goodness, but beyond that.... Seriously, what is it about me that people find repulsive?
I kept asking myself that all night. I cried myself to sleep. I asked myself that same thing again this morning. No more tears left in me for this. I was numb, but I'm starting to feel it again as I finish writing this up.
I know I need to expand my circle. I need to find people who understand what I am dealing with, what I am going through, who will stand by me. I am trying to do that, but I struggle with even how to do that. I'm looking for support groups. I'm looking for people around me that wouldn't mind my inevitable funks (that are a lot easier to hide in person, I'll admit). It's just taking more time as I battle not only the depression that plagues my life, but the crippling shyness and social awkwardness that comes with who I am.
And I'm struggling to convince myself that the repulsiveness... the thing about me that makes people run for the hills... is all in my head....
That's a rough one to overcome....
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