It has been a while since my last entry. So let me catch you up before I get you into today.
I have been in a downward spiral for a long time. A really long time. Before, I would moments of clarity, a week or two of sunshine in my life before I started slipping into the abyss again. Breaks, I suppose.
Well, there hasn't been a true "break" that's lasted me longer than... I don't know, at most a day, but typically a few hours, in months.
Back in October my symptoms went from bad to worse.
I was suicidal. Nothing new, as I often wonder why the hell I'm alive, who would miss, and just wishing I was dead. But this?
I had plans. Ideations. Scary ones.
And on top of it...
I was alone in my world.
Yes, I had my family, but they were in the midst of other things in their life. I felt I couldn't turn to them for comfort. Not without confessing everything which, frankly, I had no idea how to explain. I STILL don't.
But my friends? The very few I have here in person have been busy with their lives. I generally turned to the ones that I met online. Friends I've grown to trust deeply.
Friends that... well. Sadly broke that trust in one fell swoop.
I was in a horrible, awful way one afternoon, and turned to one such friend who, sadly I didn't realize, was tired of me. Of my depression. Of my misery. I confessed what I was feeling, and she tore me to shreds. I won't get into what was said here. I honestly don't remember all of it anyways, especially since I stopped reading it after a time.
It was all I could do not to follow through with my ideations, to actually end it, once in for all. Because, hey. Why not? What was the point anyways?
Long story short, when I came back up a little, I was left feeling raw, empty. I had been seeking help before that, but not with much effort in the matter, but right then? I got on the phone and started making calls.
My PCP refused to see me regarding my issues and their severity, and recommended I see a psychiatrist instead.
The psychiatrist he recommended was a walk in clinic that only saw new patients at 10am, first come first serve. When the slot was filled, no more. The end! Yeah. Good luck getting in there.
I called my insurance company who gave me a list of people in network that were in my area (which was good because the list I found online had the closest doctor nearly 75 miles away from location), but told me that most psychiatrists in the network will not see a patient who has not been definitively diagnosed as of late. I had to see a psychologist.
They recommended a few and I called to get an appointment.
Went and saw him, told him my problems, and my concerns with my prior diagnosis, and additional symptoms I have been having since I was last seen.
He ended up putting me through a battery of tests that seemed designed to pinpoint or rule out varying mental illnesses. After several sessions, and two months, I was given a modified diagnosis:
- Bipolar, Undefined type (or whatever it is called). The mania I have is extremely minor and lasts too short a time. As such, under the DSM-V, I do not qualify for a Type II diagnosis, which is what I was given a decade ago. Okay. I was never sure about a Bipolar diagnosis anyways.
- Generalized Anxiety. A name for what I was feeling....
- Social Anxiety. This one didn't surprise me, but again, it was nice for the name.
He recommended medication to help get myself under some semblance of control, and therapy.
He gave the name of a psychiatrist, who unfortunately was almost booked solid for the next month (Holiday Season and all), but took me as a new patient as soon as they were able.
He even offered to extend his office hours one night a week so I could still come see him, who I am already comfortable with, without having to leave work early.
Major points for this doctor, right?
The month was a struggle to get through, and I didnt want to start therapy until I had something to help numb my symptoms in my system. So just this past Monday I went to see the Psychiatrist for the first time, and she's putting me on Latuda for now, and Tuesday I started my therapy.
Only time will tell how much they will help.
(Oh, btw, there's a few new friends I have learned to trust more readily as of late, thank the stars).
ANYWAYS
Where was I going with this?
Oh right. My day today.
So anyways, back in .... I don't know, late November, early December, when I went in for my evaluation with my principal, I was having a hard day. After we went through everything, which, was largely positive for a second year teacher I'm told, but still had some... hiccups in the classroom management piece, I confessed to her. I was on the verge of tears anyways and told her what I'd been going through recently, and what I doing to try and counteract it.
She was supportive, which I appreciated more than words.
But then... today. I dont know. Maybe its because I havent really been able to correct my errors yet..... That I was struggling with writing lesson plans that I had only had for three weeks... and they were disjointed... I don't know... I was asked to step sideways and write two other subjects, one of which I've only touched briefly before, but is still important.
I feel awful for it.
Like I failed somehow.
I get it, logically. I do. Put those plans in the hands of an experienced teacher, as opposed to me. Okay, fine. Perfect sense.
But when I was told it, I was told that if I can't handle writing these plans, that someone (idk who) would have to step in and take over.
....
yikes.
Went and asked for input. Asked what I could improve upon in my lesson planning. Was met with a "they're fine. I have to tweak them for my kids, but they're fine" more or less.
So I went and talked to my principal, who had made the call, and told me that they just wanted them in the hands of the experienced teacher.
But then we talked about my management skills. And how they were lacking when she came through because a couple of my kids were acting fools.
I was chastised, basically told I need to buck up and fix it, to find something that will help me get a hold on my kids because they shouldn't be acting like this anymore.
Okay... Yeh... I'm trying...
Just... not hard enough apparently.
But then.... well. I had another teacher come visit, teach my class a lesson, which was great, as I was able to watch her and learn from what she was doing.
Save.... my kids were angels for her. Well behaved, for the most part.
Which... just.... they're not that good for me.
They're not bad kids. I just have a GOOD portion of my class who lack basic impulse control, and they rile the others up with them.
Anyways... After school, I went to talk with her, only to find out that what I've said to others in confidence has been spreading. I was meeting with TWO teachers....
And without much prefacing, I was told what I was doing wrong, what I should be doing instead.
Which... is great, yes, I don't knock that.
The presentation was sour...
And what they were suggesting were methods that I had tried earlier in the year to no avail.
And my input was being disregarded.
I was essentially told that I SUCK as a teacher. My classroom management is awful, and because of that, my kids aren't living up to their potential. So, I'm a stupid, awful teacher and better fix it quickly.
Right there.
Needless to say I tried really hard not to dissolve into tears, being told this TWICE in a day.
The second time by people I had not confided in.
Which means others are talking about how badly I'm failing this year.....
So now I'm sitting here, completely terrified that I'm going to loose my job come June. That I won't be asked to renew my contract and I'll spend the summer in panic while dealing with my newfound diagnoses, therapy, and medication trying to find another teaching job in another district. I'm terrified that my confession back in November led to uncertainty about my being in the classroom, and so I am facing greater scrutiny and judgement because of it. Should I really have not said anything about it?
I just...
I'm lost.
I don't know what to do.
I mean, I'm going to implement more strategies (some of which I had ran across last night while trolling the internet for ideas) to help me get my class under better control. I'm going to have to stop venting frustrations out to my teammates....
and I'm terrified to ask for help now too, since I know I'm facing judgement....
I just... want to crawl into bed and sob all weekend...
but there's too much to do....
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