I left my place in south Houston to pick her up from her parents in Oklahoma this past Friday. As planned, I spent the weekend with them and her little brother, checking out some of the things to do in the city. I took the kids to the aquarium on Saturday so mommy and daddy can get some time to themselves, and joined them for church on Sunday, where I decided to make this blog and drafted the first post after listening to a lesson on trials (though the speaker wasn't talking about that. I guess it's just what I heard). Niece and I left on Monday morning and arrived in St Louis that afternoon.
We went up in the arch yesterday evening and she clung to me at first. Though excited, she was afraid of the height. It was endearing at first, but was started to become a little trying when she started acting out in line, but once we climbed into the tram, the happy little girl I know returned and the night went peacefully.
Now I love my niece dearly, don't get me wrong, but today? Everything was just too much.
I slipped into a deeper darkness this morning and have since struggled to shake it. I was on vacation, it shouldn't have followed me here, right? Or I had my niece to think about. I can't feel like this when she's here ready to have fun at the City Museum, right? Surely getting up and getting going, moving forward will be enough to let me get a handle on things and today would get better right? After all I had been looking forward to this museum myself since I first read about it. It was going to be a blast.
I was wrong.
St Louis' City Museum is amazing, and has so many interactive activities to explore works of art as you accidentally study different aspects of science (geology as you explore a man made cave that's ten stories high, gravity and motion as you run around in the indoor "skate" park, etc). I really was having a lot of fun at first, and had myself convinced today really was going to turn around. I would feel better tonight.
But then it started unraveling. How do people fake it until they make it? I haven't figured it out and I really need to know..... Things just started happening as soon as I got comfortable today, from misbehavior and a refusal to listen, to turning my ankle and smacking my head onto a bar, to a conversation with a friend that's left a horribly sour taste in my mouth and a burden on my heart, to more, and all of it just continued to drag on me and broke through my determined to be happy and enjoy myself facade.
About 3:45 in the afternoon, I found myself sitting in the car, driving back to our hotel across the Mississippi, blinking back tears as I struggled not to start crying. I've made niece lay down to take a nap to try and combat her moody, obviously exhausted behavior, and had lay on my bed, feeling empty and lost all over again. What was I thinking, thinking I could handle going on a vacation like this?
I curled on my bed in misery, allowing the silent tears (didn't want to wake her up once she went down by bawling, which really might have felt good to let myself release) to stain the pillow cases for a while before I finally decided I had to try again. I had to.
If I didn't, I was going to completely collapse and shut down, and then where would we be?
I made myself get up and closed myself in the bathroom. My face was red, my eyes puffy but empty, my hair a sweaty haphazard mess, and in that moment, I hated everything about me. I hated my appearance, the fact that I'm 30 and feel as though as I've accomplished practically nothing in my life at this point, the fact that I'm 30 period. Most of all I hated all the thoughts running through my mind. If we hadn't been in a hotel, if my niece hadn't been sleeping in the other room, I might have tried breaking the glass with a hard punch to my blotchy, irritated nose and made other horrible choices with the shards.
I had to get it under control.
Then I closed my eyes, forced myself into taking five deep-as-I-could-get breathes, slowly releasing each one. I washed my face with my deep cleansing cream and slowly repeated the deep breathes before allowing myself to look in the mirror again. I still saw everything I hated about myself in the mirror, but I was calmer, and could look a little past them in that instance.
My bestest friend, Hope, had challenged me before to look inside when I'm feeling like this and find things that I like about myself. Well... challenge might be the wrong word, but now'she not the time. Though the fruits are hard to see because of the depth of the pit I'm am struggling to climb out of, I have tried this method before and it has soothed me during a rougher moment, especially when I've written down my thoughts to review later, but it's never had the power to pull me out of the cavern I was rapidly spiral down into. I had tried, but it hadn't even been able to slow the descent. I could never see anything I liked about myself that I didn't immediately start trying to rip apart internally, against my will.
Surprisingly, given how dark the thoughts and bitter the hatred, after the silent cry, those forceful calming breathes, and face washing, I could actually see things I liked about me. Things.... well, that helped me dig a little deeper to get a handle on myself.
My eyes was the first one, though they were red and swollen at the moment, reflecting the emptiness I felt inside. The center of my irises were still the same light brown they always was, the outer edge the same dark blue, but the rest... a startling shade of blue that I love. A color that I rarely notice surfacing in the changing cycle that is my eye color. That alone brought a soft flutter of something there in my breastfeeding and I found myself looking for other things without having to coerce myself into doing it.
The mental list was quickly up to ten in a matter of minutes, and I hadn't been trying to shut any of them down in spite of myself. I still don't feel good by any means, but I feel like the cavern I was careening down curved into a shaft with an updraft that blew me back up a little above the entrance to this hole.
So, Hope, thank you. I know I'm a horribly difficult person to deal with and be around when I'm getting these flare ups, but I appreciate you sticking by me. I appreciate your advice, and I'm sorry I don't seem to take them more seriously. This one, that I had all but written off during dark moments like these, has proved itself this afternoon. I can't say it will always work either, but if it can make this evening a little more bearable, and tomorrow a little brighter, then I'll take it. And I probably wouldn't have ever been able to do it if you hadn't introduced me to the idea and then made me practice, as if you knew this moment was coming someday. So really, Hope, thank you. For all that you do and so, so much more.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
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